Note: I’ve written this article as a guest blog post for Playing with Fire. I’m reposting it here, as I’ve done with other such articles. This one was written for a diverse audience, including guys who are new to game — or even not at all interested in game. So please, forgive the introductory language and definitions around words and phrases that are common in the “community”, such as DHVing.
So, I’ve been a student of the Playing with Fire community for nearly a year now. I’ve been even more fortunate to also receive 1:1 coaching from some of the best guys in this community, including my mentor Indian PE and even on occasion Alex and David themselves.
In all that time, I’ve learned a LOT. When I discovered PWF, I had no idea what I was doing (very much a beginner). Now, I see somewhat consistent results (intermediate). I’m even able to help out fellow community members.
In this post, I wanted to share some of the top lessons I’ve learned during my time here. If you can internalize these lessons, you’ll be able to see a huge and quick jump in the results of your online dating.
1. Double texts are often a death sentence.
This is one of the most common mistakes I see in the Mastermind, even with guys who have been in the community a long time. When I’m talking about double texts, by the way, I mean sending more than one text in short succession. Double texting 24-48 hours after receiving no response is a totally different strategy, one that can be effective when employed correctly.
I suspect there is one main reason why guys are so tempted to double text. After hitting ‘send’, guys start analyzing and worrying about the messages they sent. They do this to the point where they overthink it. And so they double text in an effort to recover in some fashion.
And yes, they may have sent a suboptimal text. But, the attempt to recover comes off as low value, lacking options with women (abundance), or otherwise super lame. And so these second texts end up hurting, rather than helping.
99% of the time it’s better to be stuck with a single suboptimal message than it is to double text her.
So, the next time you’re tempted to double text, don’t! Leave your single message, and give her at least 24-48 hours to respond before you send another text.
2. Your texts don’t always have to make perfect logical sense.
I’m not talking about ridiculous, gamey, or silly messages here. Instead, and similar to #1, I often find that guys way overanalyze messages, often worrying about ridiculous scenarios they’ve invented in their heads that are highly unlikely to unfold.
Keep in mind, men are the logical gender. We men say what we mean, and we mean what we say. Women are much more driven by emotions. For women, they communicate a lot more using subcommunication. In other words, the subtext of what you say matters much more than what you actually say.
As a specific example, one of Alex’s most preferred replies to “How are you?” is, “Good, just finished a killer workout. Looking nice and jacked for our date”.
This line is packed with value. First, it replies to her question. Second, it shows her value by saying that you workout. Third, it baits her with the idea of a date — which she may hook onto.
But when I suggest this, I sometimes hear from guys in the community, “It’s 1 PM, and I’m at work. I can’t send that!” or “It’s 12 AM, she obviously won’t believe it.”
A similar one is, “I’m awesome! Having a glass of wine on my romantic patio” (credit Indian PE). But a guy worries about this because “It’s raining today” or “It’s too cold to be on your patio”.
This is where men’s logic and tendency to overthink is to their detriment. Odds are, girls aren’t going to say anything about this. You, as a man, focus on the logic of these statements. The girl focuses on the emotions she’s feeling from all the value that’s packed into it.
3. Calibrate your messaging, particularly the valuable things you display about yourself to the woman, based on the kind of girl she is.
With online dating, she will determine you to have some level of initial value to her. She bases this on your looks and what she’s able to discern from your pictures and bio. Then, you spark further attraction in her by showing her that you are high value. You show value through what you communicate and tell about yourself.
Having “good text game” is core to this, but of course, learning text game is something that happens over time. The other part is telling and showing her areas of value from your life. This is sometimes referred to as “displaying higher value” or “DHVing”.
One frequent mistake I see guys make is showing the same areas of value with every single woman. Instead, you need to think about what type of woman the girl is, based on her photos and bio.
Here are two archetypes of women to help solidify this concept this for you:
A hard-working professional woman who is career-oriented.
Good way to display value: Telling her about how you had a recent meeting with the CEO and board of directors of your company.
Bad way to display value: Telling her about all the parties you’ve been going to lately and how you’ve been staying out every night until 5 AM.
A college girl who’s into music festivals and partying.
Good way to display value: Telling her about a DJ you dated and the crazy parties you are now able to get VIP access to.
Bad way to display value: Telling her about your career and ambitions.
4. You can build attraction (and more) over text.
An old mantra I used to hear from dating coaches was that you could never attract a girl over text messages. That texting was a mechanism for setting up dates and logistics, but nothing more.
Playing with Fire totally flipped this for me. I’ve seen Alex and David do crazy things over text messaging that shocked me. One amazing example of this is how you can trigger women to get what you want.
By subtly showing your value over texts, which includes the way you text her (again, “text game”), you can — and will — get women attracted to you. And from there, you can get her invested in you and even compliant with you.
5. Persistence is not the same as neediness.
One of the biggest things you hear as you study dating / seduction is to “never be needy.” And yes, this is true — once you come across as needy, a woman will immediately lose all attraction for you.
But, this mindset led to a lot of false limiting beliefs for me. Examples of things I believed included:
- Once a girl flaked on you for a date, you should stop pursuing her.
- If a girl stopped responding, you were chasing her and being needy if you kept trying to text her.
- If a girl wasn’t showing interest, you were chasing her and being needy if you kept trying to text her.
Yet, Playing with Fire has shown that persistence is not the same as neediness. After all, women have a lot going on in their lives, too. Many already have one or more men in their lives in some fashion. Plus, every woman has lots of other guys messaging them online. Most of the time, you aren’t a priority for them until you’ve had sex at least once or twice. This is why it’s crucial to be persistent, because women can and will forget about you. Indeed, there are many love reports on this site showing how ridiculous persistence can turn into sex.
Since discovering PWF, I’ve had women say that the only reason they met was my persistence. I even had one compliment my persistence after we had sex!
Ok then, what’s the difference between persistence and neediness? Well, it’s a bit hard to explain.
It comes down to your mindset in pursuing the girl (because women are shockingly adept at reading what’s actually on your mind).
Not Needy: When you’re persisting to meet with a woman, but your messages and texting indicate you don’t really care whether you actually meet (showing “outcome independence” and “abundance”).
Needy: When you’re pushing to text and meet with a woman, and it’s clear you really care about meeting her (such as coming across butthurt, or even just more invested in the meetup than she is).